our bucket list is begging to be touched right now...we had so many hopes and dreams but we let life get in the way...
life has a habit of doing that...yet, even with dialysis you were looking into trips where we could stop and get treatment
along the way...
we were supposed to be sitting on the Puget Sound in Cracker Barrel rocking chairs watching our 4 grandchildren running
along the shore throwing driftwood and stones into the water...that was our dream...Whidbey Island, we loved it there...
it was because of our love for the littles that kept us from pursuing our retirement dream...we simply could not leave
them here and be so far away from them...oh, how I wish they could have gone with us...you wanted to go so badly...how I
wish I could have given you your dream...
today it is 43 years...and I miss you terribly...my heart is broken into a million pieces and I cannot see how it will
ever come back together...I can be fine and all of a sudden will think of something, or see a picture, or find a piece
of your laundry come up in my folding and then I am huge mess...how do I go on? 43 years?
why oh why did I not listen to people when they say live for today?
we have some really great memories to eventually whtide me over, but for right now it is not enough to help me...
you never told me no (well not many times) you always made sure I had what I wanted, somehow you always made it happen...
you rescued me from my abusive childhood, and made sure I never ever replayed that situation again...you always told people that
you knew how to make me smile...give me $100 (haha)...when I wanted a kitchen aid, you got it for me, an embroidery machine?
the same...I had what I wanted because of you and yet I see that material items do not matter...it showed me that you
loved me enough to get me what I wanted, but I would trade any possession for more time...
how grateful I am for the opportunity of Disney Season Passes...what a joy they were and gave us such wonderful memories
with our children, grandchildren and our wonderful neighbors...such a pleasure to be able to go as much as we wanted to
even though you complained about the cost, you gave that to us to enjoy and we thank you so very much...the pictures, oh
my...the memories, oh my goodness...and we just started the littlest one, at least we have a couple of memories of you
and her at Disney...
the trips we were able to take...not many people get to see 99% of the United States as we did...I will never forget what
great times we had pulling the RV into each new city we came upon...sometimes planned, sometimes not...how you gave up
on going to Nashville so we could go a little further and once again go to San Antonio to see my sister, who was not
feeling good at the time...remember parking a RV in San Francisco? New Orleans? the East Coast with the Liberty Bell,
Gettysberg (after hearing about it so much from your dad?) and I always absolutely loved going to Canastota to see your
wonderful aunt with her stories that made me wish I had grown up there...she always made me feel right at home...who
else would have shown me the Statue of Liberty, the Black Hills, Mt Rushmore, the Mall of America and so on...
we had such fun in the RV
singing to hymns when we could not get a radio station...you had such a great singing voice...and of course we had to hit
each Famous Dave's restaurant that we came upon...
how we loved Camp Pendleton...you loved going and reminicing of when you were stationed there from Vietnam and you got to
revisit your helicopter squadron and that gave you such joy...how special that we could park our RV right on the beach
of the base and have Marines running by our cabin at all times...waking up to taps and going to sleep with reveille...
what a terrific time we had for Si's birthday, renting a cabin on the beach for 4 days and showing the kids around the
base...we now want to go back and remember you there...
you were such a generous man, helping anyone who needed help...playing Santa so many times to children, seniors and vets..
you gave money to homeless and even if you did it with a grumble you still did it...your love of babies was so apparent
and your love and support of vets was extraordinary, collecting many plaques for your work...I now love to hear stories
from people on how you helped them in the past...even if you did not understand the concept of RAOK...
you were always there for my sister, before her death helping her...flying out to San Antonio many times to get her squared
away at the Veteran's hospital there and buying her whatever she needed to feel comfortable...she and her son loved you for
everything you did for them...
I feel like I am in a holding pattern...still busy comforting others, and not really letting the concept of never ever seeing
you on this earth again...that part makes me extremely sad...I am busy doing paper work and that part of getting on with
life but my heart aches for you...I still think you are just away, at your moms or the hospital and still coming home where
you should be...I make a dinner and realize it is not one of your favorites and wonder what I should make for you and then
it hits me...
I do not know how to do this alone...I am clueless on how to go on without you...everything reminds me of you...I wear your
Marine Corps tee shirt to bed every night...
we had 43 years together, but it was not enough...I would give
anything in this world to have some of that time back...I would like to tell you one more time how much you meant to me, how
much I love you...I wish I had told you that every single day while you were here...
thank you so much for thinking of me in the last couple of months...you made sure I got a new phone, a new scooter, a nice
house to live in and all new appliances when we had to move...did you know what you were doing when you did it? that is
what I am choosing to believe...you were taking care of me ahead of time, knowing you would not be here much longer? We
shared so much and I left a lot of things up to you, and yet at the end you were trying to make me more independent...
thank you for loving me as you did, even with all of my baggage...words escape me right now...what am I to do without you,
I do not know if I can even do this by myself...
the kids miss you, I horribly miss you and the grandkids especially miss you...at your service, the photographer found
CJ hiding underneath a table crying...he probably is taking this the worst...but, you would be very proud of your children,
they have stepped up to the plate in a big way and are a huge help to me, all the while grieving in their own way...
please show us a sign that you are ok, we desperately need it...
I love you and miss you with my unwhole broken into a million pieces heart...what I would give to have just a little more
time with you...
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