there are different cultures including greek and Hispanic that believe (or so people have been telling me) that once a person passes, their soul sticks around those that they love for 40 days and then on that day, the soul goes on to heaven...
today is the 40th day...can you believe it?
sometimes I still cannot believe he is gone...six weeks tomorrow and yet, I still think he will be walking in the door at any time...I am sure that it will hit at some point that he is really gone, but not yet...
a certain picture just takes my breath away and the tears immediately follow...wow...I sure wish I had known how bad it really was towards the end...I know what matters is that the 2nd to the last day I was able to say that I loved him and he said it in return but I will have regrets for the rest of my life...
the last couple of months I was more of a mother to him, trying to get him well and to do the right thing...did he need a mother or did he want a wife more? he was so stubborn but oh.my.goodness I sure hope he knew how much we loved him and needed him...
so for the 40th day and since it was also our anniversary Tim. Sam, Zoie and I let 4 red heart balloons go to the sky last night with messages for him...
when he looks down upon us now, I hope he is proud of our little family we created and sees how difficult it is without him but we are trying our very best to write the next chapter of our lives...
Friday, February 24, 2017
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
43 years ago today...0h...my...goodness
it was not supposed to be like this...we had plans...we had not finished living our lives together...
our bucket list is begging to be touched right now...we had so many hopes and dreams but we let life get in the way...
life has a habit of doing that...yet, even with dialysis you were looking into trips where we could stop and get treatment
along the way...
we were supposed to be sitting on the Puget Sound in Cracker Barrel rocking chairs watching our 4 grandchildren running
along the shore throwing driftwood and stones into the water...that was our dream...Whidbey Island, we loved it there...
it was because of our love for the littles that kept us from pursuing our retirement dream...we simply could not leave
them here and be so far away from them...oh, how I wish they could have gone with us...you wanted to go so badly...how I
wish I could have given you your dream...
today it is 43 years...and I miss you terribly...my heart is broken into a million pieces and I cannot see how it will
ever come back together...I can be fine and all of a sudden will think of something, or see a picture, or find a piece
of your laundry come up in my folding and then I am huge mess...how do I go on? 43 years?
why oh why did I not listen to people when they say live for today?
we have some really great memories to eventually whtide me over, but for right now it is not enough to help me...
you never told me no (well not many times) you always made sure I had what I wanted, somehow you always made it happen...
you rescued me from my abusive childhood, and made sure I never ever replayed that situation again...you always told people that
you knew how to make me smile...give me $100 (haha)...when I wanted a kitchen aid, you got it for me, an embroidery machine?
the same...I had what I wanted because of you and yet I see that material items do not matter...it showed me that you
loved me enough to get me what I wanted, but I would trade any possession for more time...
how grateful I am for the opportunity of Disney Season Passes...what a joy they were and gave us such wonderful memories
with our children, grandchildren and our wonderful neighbors...such a pleasure to be able to go as much as we wanted to
even though you complained about the cost, you gave that to us to enjoy and we thank you so very much...the pictures, oh
my...the memories, oh my goodness...and we just started the littlest one, at least we have a couple of memories of you
and her at Disney...
the trips we were able to take...not many people get to see 99% of the United States as we did...I will never forget what
great times we had pulling the RV into each new city we came upon...sometimes planned, sometimes not...how you gave up
on going to Nashville so we could go a little further and once again go to San Antonio to see my sister, who was not
feeling good at the time...remember parking a RV in San Francisco? New Orleans? the East Coast with the Liberty Bell,
Gettysberg (after hearing about it so much from your dad?) and I always absolutely loved going to Canastota to see your
wonderful aunt with her stories that made me wish I had grown up there...she always made me feel right at home...who
else would have shown me the Statue of Liberty, the Black Hills, Mt Rushmore, the Mall of America and so on...
we had such fun in the RV
singing to hymns when we could not get a radio station...you had such a great singing voice...and of course we had to hit
each Famous Dave's restaurant that we came upon...
how we loved Camp Pendleton...you loved going and reminicing of when you were stationed there from Vietnam and you got to
revisit your helicopter squadron and that gave you such joy...how special that we could park our RV right on the beach
of the base and have Marines running by our cabin at all times...waking up to taps and going to sleep with reveille...
what a terrific time we had for Si's birthday, renting a cabin on the beach for 4 days and showing the kids around the
base...we now want to go back and remember you there...
you were such a generous man, helping anyone who needed help...playing Santa so many times to children, seniors and vets..
you gave money to homeless and even if you did it with a grumble you still did it...your love of babies was so apparent
and your love and support of vets was extraordinary, collecting many plaques for your work...I now love to hear stories
from people on how you helped them in the past...even if you did not understand the concept of RAOK...
you were always there for my sister, before her death helping her...flying out to San Antonio many times to get her squared
away at the Veteran's hospital there and buying her whatever she needed to feel comfortable...she and her son loved you for
everything you did for them...
I feel like I am in a holding pattern...still busy comforting others, and not really letting the concept of never ever seeing
you on this earth again...that part makes me extremely sad...I am busy doing paper work and that part of getting on with
life but my heart aches for you...I still think you are just away, at your moms or the hospital and still coming home where
you should be...I make a dinner and realize it is not one of your favorites and wonder what I should make for you and then
it hits me...
I do not know how to do this alone...I am clueless on how to go on without you...everything reminds me of you...I wear your
Marine Corps tee shirt to bed every night...
we had 43 years together, but it was not enough...I would give
anything in this world to have some of that time back...I would like to tell you one more time how much you meant to me, how
much I love you...I wish I had told you that every single day while you were here...
thank you so much for thinking of me in the last couple of months...you made sure I got a new phone, a new scooter, a nice
house to live in and all new appliances when we had to move...did you know what you were doing when you did it? that is
what I am choosing to believe...you were taking care of me ahead of time, knowing you would not be here much longer? We
shared so much and I left a lot of things up to you, and yet at the end you were trying to make me more independent...
thank you for loving me as you did, even with all of my baggage...words escape me right now...what am I to do without you,
I do not know if I can even do this by myself...
the kids miss you, I horribly miss you and the grandkids especially miss you...at your service, the photographer found
CJ hiding underneath a table crying...he probably is taking this the worst...but, you would be very proud of your children,
they have stepped up to the plate in a big way and are a huge help to me, all the while grieving in their own way...
please show us a sign that you are ok, we desperately need it...
I love you and miss you with my unwhole broken into a million pieces heart...what I would give to have just a little more
time with you...
our bucket list is begging to be touched right now...we had so many hopes and dreams but we let life get in the way...
life has a habit of doing that...yet, even with dialysis you were looking into trips where we could stop and get treatment
along the way...
we were supposed to be sitting on the Puget Sound in Cracker Barrel rocking chairs watching our 4 grandchildren running
along the shore throwing driftwood and stones into the water...that was our dream...Whidbey Island, we loved it there...
it was because of our love for the littles that kept us from pursuing our retirement dream...we simply could not leave
them here and be so far away from them...oh, how I wish they could have gone with us...you wanted to go so badly...how I
wish I could have given you your dream...
today it is 43 years...and I miss you terribly...my heart is broken into a million pieces and I cannot see how it will
ever come back together...I can be fine and all of a sudden will think of something, or see a picture, or find a piece
of your laundry come up in my folding and then I am huge mess...how do I go on? 43 years?
why oh why did I not listen to people when they say live for today?
we have some really great memories to eventually whtide me over, but for right now it is not enough to help me...
you never told me no (well not many times) you always made sure I had what I wanted, somehow you always made it happen...
you rescued me from my abusive childhood, and made sure I never ever replayed that situation again...you always told people that
you knew how to make me smile...give me $100 (haha)...when I wanted a kitchen aid, you got it for me, an embroidery machine?
the same...I had what I wanted because of you and yet I see that material items do not matter...it showed me that you
loved me enough to get me what I wanted, but I would trade any possession for more time...
how grateful I am for the opportunity of Disney Season Passes...what a joy they were and gave us such wonderful memories
with our children, grandchildren and our wonderful neighbors...such a pleasure to be able to go as much as we wanted to
even though you complained about the cost, you gave that to us to enjoy and we thank you so very much...the pictures, oh
my...the memories, oh my goodness...and we just started the littlest one, at least we have a couple of memories of you
and her at Disney...
the trips we were able to take...not many people get to see 99% of the United States as we did...I will never forget what
great times we had pulling the RV into each new city we came upon...sometimes planned, sometimes not...how you gave up
on going to Nashville so we could go a little further and once again go to San Antonio to see my sister, who was not
feeling good at the time...remember parking a RV in San Francisco? New Orleans? the East Coast with the Liberty Bell,
Gettysberg (after hearing about it so much from your dad?) and I always absolutely loved going to Canastota to see your
wonderful aunt with her stories that made me wish I had grown up there...she always made me feel right at home...who
else would have shown me the Statue of Liberty, the Black Hills, Mt Rushmore, the Mall of America and so on...
we had such fun in the RV
singing to hymns when we could not get a radio station...you had such a great singing voice...and of course we had to hit
each Famous Dave's restaurant that we came upon...
how we loved Camp Pendleton...you loved going and reminicing of when you were stationed there from Vietnam and you got to
revisit your helicopter squadron and that gave you such joy...how special that we could park our RV right on the beach
of the base and have Marines running by our cabin at all times...waking up to taps and going to sleep with reveille...
what a terrific time we had for Si's birthday, renting a cabin on the beach for 4 days and showing the kids around the
base...we now want to go back and remember you there...
you were such a generous man, helping anyone who needed help...playing Santa so many times to children, seniors and vets..
you gave money to homeless and even if you did it with a grumble you still did it...your love of babies was so apparent
and your love and support of vets was extraordinary, collecting many plaques for your work...I now love to hear stories
from people on how you helped them in the past...even if you did not understand the concept of RAOK...
you were always there for my sister, before her death helping her...flying out to San Antonio many times to get her squared
away at the Veteran's hospital there and buying her whatever she needed to feel comfortable...she and her son loved you for
everything you did for them...
I feel like I am in a holding pattern...still busy comforting others, and not really letting the concept of never ever seeing
you on this earth again...that part makes me extremely sad...I am busy doing paper work and that part of getting on with
life but my heart aches for you...I still think you are just away, at your moms or the hospital and still coming home where
you should be...I make a dinner and realize it is not one of your favorites and wonder what I should make for you and then
it hits me...
I do not know how to do this alone...I am clueless on how to go on without you...everything reminds me of you...I wear your
Marine Corps tee shirt to bed every night...
we had 43 years together, but it was not enough...I would give
anything in this world to have some of that time back...I would like to tell you one more time how much you meant to me, how
much I love you...I wish I had told you that every single day while you were here...
thank you so much for thinking of me in the last couple of months...you made sure I got a new phone, a new scooter, a nice
house to live in and all new appliances when we had to move...did you know what you were doing when you did it? that is
what I am choosing to believe...you were taking care of me ahead of time, knowing you would not be here much longer? We
shared so much and I left a lot of things up to you, and yet at the end you were trying to make me more independent...
thank you for loving me as you did, even with all of my baggage...words escape me right now...what am I to do without you,
I do not know if I can even do this by myself...
the kids miss you, I horribly miss you and the grandkids especially miss you...at your service, the photographer found
CJ hiding underneath a table crying...he probably is taking this the worst...but, you would be very proud of your children,
they have stepped up to the plate in a big way and are a huge help to me, all the while grieving in their own way...
please show us a sign that you are ok, we desperately need it...
I love you and miss you with my unwhole broken into a million pieces heart...what I would give to have just a little more
time with you...
nearer my God to thee
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwLl5nY5WPI
this is the hymn that was playing at the mortuary when we arrived and I play it every day...
our hearts are hurting
our hearts are hurting.
our hearts may feel as they are irreparably broken.
In some ways, it feels like emotional quicksand. The more you fight, the more you feel stuck.
Our hearts ache for a glimmer of hope.
It is up to us to keep moving. And to help each other along the way.
The Blue Lanterns in the world of comics said it best,
"in fearful day, in raging night,
with strong hearts full, our souls ignite.
when all seems lost and there is no light
look to the stars, for hope burns bright."
written by Timothy
our hearts may feel as they are irreparably broken.
In some ways, it feels like emotional quicksand. The more you fight, the more you feel stuck.
Our hearts ache for a glimmer of hope.
It is up to us to keep moving. And to help each other along the way.
The Blue Lanterns in the world of comics said it best,
"in fearful day, in raging night,
with strong hearts full, our souls ignite.
when all seems lost and there is no light
look to the stars, for hope burns bright."
written by Timothy
Monday, February 20, 2017
facebook post
my facebook post for Saturday morning still makes me cry when I see it today...
I said......
it is finished, he fought the good fight, he is with Jesus now
I meant what I said but it seems so sad to me...
and little did I know that Tim had called Debbie to come take care of me (my COPD was acting up) and he wanted to make sure I was taken care of while he stayed with his dad (he had taken me outside of the ICU to sit) and made sure all details were taken care of with the nurses...he came out one time and said that the Sheriff had called and asked if we wanted an inquist into his death since he had fallen at the hospital...we did not understand what he was talking about but I said it would not being him back, to just let it go...we could find out later what happened...
but the point of my story is to say that Debbie dropped everything and rushed to the hospital and was there totally for us in every way but she did not tell the kids where she was going and Sian called me just when I got to the outside of the ICU and wanted to know if I knew where Debbie was...I had to lie to her...but that smart little girl decided to go onto my facebook and saw what I had posted...
I am so sad that I posted before we had a chance to break the news to her...she was crushed...that will stay with me for a long time...later she apologized and said it was OK but I know it still hurt and she has been trying since her grandpa went into the hospital to be a good girl...I love my grandkids so much and so did their grandpa...this will be very hard on them...
I said......
it is finished, he fought the good fight, he is with Jesus now
I meant what I said but it seems so sad to me...
and little did I know that Tim had called Debbie to come take care of me (my COPD was acting up) and he wanted to make sure I was taken care of while he stayed with his dad (he had taken me outside of the ICU to sit) and made sure all details were taken care of with the nurses...he came out one time and said that the Sheriff had called and asked if we wanted an inquist into his death since he had fallen at the hospital...we did not understand what he was talking about but I said it would not being him back, to just let it go...we could find out later what happened...
but the point of my story is to say that Debbie dropped everything and rushed to the hospital and was there totally for us in every way but she did not tell the kids where she was going and Sian called me just when I got to the outside of the ICU and wanted to know if I knew where Debbie was...I had to lie to her...but that smart little girl decided to go onto my facebook and saw what I had posted...
I am so sad that I posted before we had a chance to break the news to her...she was crushed...that will stay with me for a long time...later she apologized and said it was OK but I know it still hurt and she has been trying since her grandpa went into the hospital to be a good girl...I love my grandkids so much and so did their grandpa...this will be very hard on them...
Thursday, Friday and Saturday...
these were the last 3 days of his life...the beginning of my nightmare...
we woke up Thursday morning intending on going to see him in the hospital, he was in a regular room and I had just talked to him the night before when I went to bed and he was to be transferred to a rehab facility for physical therapy to make him stronger as he was falling a lot when he would get up...to make a long story short, when we got up to the hospital he was in ICU, on life support...we were not called when he had "coded" twice the night before...
we were met in ICU by the doctor and told we needed to make some major decisions regarding him...if he were to "code" another time, he would not make it...his heart, kidneys, liver were all failing, he had pneumonia and sepsis...the doctor said we should sign a DNR and they would give us a day or two before proceeding to take him off of life support...he did not look good and since he was on life support, they had him sedated...we called his family to come...his mom, 2 of his sisters and 2 of his brothers came up and we all made the decision to sign the DNR and discussed in length taking him off life support...when his mom sat and held his hand, his heart rate would lower and he seemed to breathe a little better too...everyone took their time with him and sat with him and talked with him...even Sian and Zoie made big girl decisions and sat with him and held his hand...
Sam, Tim and I went home that night, leaving his 2 brothers with him...I decided I would leave the night in God's hands and would come back the next morning with a decision as to life support after sleeping on it...but in my heart of hearts, I knew he would not want to live on life support with so many organs failing him...none of us slept very good that night but went back up as early as we could to the ICU...
imagine our surprise when we walked in and they had already taken him off life support and he was awake but once again met at the door by the doctor (same one) who said they had taken him off, they wanted to see how he would do, but unless we said differently, he needed to go back on and as soon as possible...
our decision was to keep off of life support, and do comfort care only...but we stressed he was to be in absolutely no pain and they agreed to give him morphine when he needed it...
this morning was actually a gift to us, since he was semi awake we all were able to tell him we loved him and he whispered it back to us (and then he told us sternly to go home)...his brothers were able to come back up and talked to him and Tim was able to sit with him and go over his wishes...
all Friday night we would not leave him alone and took shifts to stay with him...he struggled all night long with breathing while we sat next to him...we kept telling to close his eyes and that it was OK to let go, we loved him...I sat until 2 am holding his hand but was so exhausted...I kept praying to God
that if He was going to take him to do it peacefully and not let him suffer...
getting ready Saturday morning, got a call from Tim that I needed to hurry back up to the hospital and when I got there was told that his condition had deteriated (sp?) and he looked horrible, frantic and was obviosly suffering...Tim after consulting his uncle Adam told the nurse to replace the oxygen mask and to get a morphine drip going...I sat with him, took his hand and the minute she got the drip going, he let go of my hand, took a final breath and it was over at 10:40...
even today a month later I can still not believe how the day after Christmas he fell but was arguing with the paramedics about whether he should go to the hospital or not and then here we are with him no longer with us...it all seems like some horrible nightmare that I hope I will eventually eake up from and he will still be here...
written by Shayne
we woke up Thursday morning intending on going to see him in the hospital, he was in a regular room and I had just talked to him the night before when I went to bed and he was to be transferred to a rehab facility for physical therapy to make him stronger as he was falling a lot when he would get up...to make a long story short, when we got up to the hospital he was in ICU, on life support...we were not called when he had "coded" twice the night before...
we were met in ICU by the doctor and told we needed to make some major decisions regarding him...if he were to "code" another time, he would not make it...his heart, kidneys, liver were all failing, he had pneumonia and sepsis...the doctor said we should sign a DNR and they would give us a day or two before proceeding to take him off of life support...he did not look good and since he was on life support, they had him sedated...we called his family to come...his mom, 2 of his sisters and 2 of his brothers came up and we all made the decision to sign the DNR and discussed in length taking him off life support...when his mom sat and held his hand, his heart rate would lower and he seemed to breathe a little better too...everyone took their time with him and sat with him and talked with him...even Sian and Zoie made big girl decisions and sat with him and held his hand...
Sam, Tim and I went home that night, leaving his 2 brothers with him...I decided I would leave the night in God's hands and would come back the next morning with a decision as to life support after sleeping on it...but in my heart of hearts, I knew he would not want to live on life support with so many organs failing him...none of us slept very good that night but went back up as early as we could to the ICU...
imagine our surprise when we walked in and they had already taken him off life support and he was awake but once again met at the door by the doctor (same one) who said they had taken him off, they wanted to see how he would do, but unless we said differently, he needed to go back on and as soon as possible...
our decision was to keep off of life support, and do comfort care only...but we stressed he was to be in absolutely no pain and they agreed to give him morphine when he needed it...
this morning was actually a gift to us, since he was semi awake we all were able to tell him we loved him and he whispered it back to us (and then he told us sternly to go home)...his brothers were able to come back up and talked to him and Tim was able to sit with him and go over his wishes...
all Friday night we would not leave him alone and took shifts to stay with him...he struggled all night long with breathing while we sat next to him...we kept telling to close his eyes and that it was OK to let go, we loved him...I sat until 2 am holding his hand but was so exhausted...I kept praying to God
that if He was going to take him to do it peacefully and not let him suffer...
getting ready Saturday morning, got a call from Tim that I needed to hurry back up to the hospital and when I got there was told that his condition had deteriated (sp?) and he looked horrible, frantic and was obviosly suffering...Tim after consulting his uncle Adam told the nurse to replace the oxygen mask and to get a morphine drip going...I sat with him, took his hand and the minute she got the drip going, he let go of my hand, took a final breath and it was over at 10:40...
even today a month later I can still not believe how the day after Christmas he fell but was arguing with the paramedics about whether he should go to the hospital or not and then here we are with him no longer with us...it all seems like some horrible nightmare that I hope I will eventually eake up from and he will still be here...
written by Shayne
Sunday, February 19, 2017
The Day The Cat Went Away
January 14th, 2017. We had been keeping a constant vigil at his bedside in the intensive care unit. Thursday and Friday had brought a steady stream of visitors; family and friends alike from all over who had come to say goodbye and offer their love and support to our family. We knew full well what we were facing. We just were not sure when it would happen.
We, as a family, had made the very difficult decision to only allow for comfort care with no heroic measures- no cpr, no drugs... just pain meds. By Friday night, everyone had gone home. Everyone except me, my mom, and my brother Tim. My partner Jason, had come in on the train from Los Angeles to be with me and offer support.
The room was silent most of the time. Just the beeping of alarms and the sound of the bi-pap machine helping him breathe. Any talking was done in whispers. I knew we were close to the end when the nurses put a cart outside the door with small snacks, coffee, and water bottles for us.
Saturday morning. It was very early and we were all exhausted and had agreed to take shifts so that each of us could rest a little. But sleep was an impossibility. I would sit holding his hand and watching the numbers fluctuate on the monitors above his bed. The nurses had clued me into what everything meant, where the numbers should be, and when we would know we were in trouble.
Dad was very uncomfortable. He kept complaining that his back hurt. He had been getting morphine injections every four hours, but it wasn't working for very long. He also hated the bi-pap and kept trying to push it off of his face. He would cry and I would squeeze his hand and ask what was wrong, he would just shake his head. I must have said "I love you" dozens of times that early morning.
At 8:30, my brother and mom came to relieve me for a few hours so that Jason and I could go home to shower and sleep. I kissed my dad and told him I loved him and turned to leave. My brother called me back into the room, "Dad is talking to you." I went back to his bedside and he practically shouted, "I LOVE YOU!" I will never forget those words and the power behind them.
We went back to my apartment and I fell asleep out of pure exhaustion. At 10:45, I noticed a missed call from my brother and called him back. Dad was gone. I don't think I have ever wailed so loud in my entire life.
I have to think that dad waited for me to leave to die. I think he knew I couldn't handle watching him pass.
That day, a little over one month ago, was the worst day of our lives. This blog is our way of working through the tremendous grief of losing such a remarkable, generous man.
He is greatly missed.
Written by Samantha (Ross and Shayne's daughter)
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