I hate Saturdays...it will forever be etched into my brain exactly what we were doing 8 weeks
ago (can you believe it has been that long? already...) today...
I held your hand and looked into your eyes, said it would be OK and I knew when you let go of my hand...that is what my brain remembers...
every Saturday at 10:40 we stop and think of you and remember what we were doing at that time...
2 months today...how can that be? especially when everything reminds me of you and I think of you constantly...my heart is so broken, I cannot imagine how anything will ever be all right again...
I love you and miss you so very much...
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Monday, March 6, 2017
missing you immensley
today was particularly bad for me...tears freely flowed...everything I saw and heard reminded me of you...
the toliet overflowed and you would have know what to do, I did not...
we went to the mall and mongolian BBQ reminded me that that was one of your favorite places to eat, even though you hated the mall...
songs, tv, everything today remended me how much I miss you...
I went to Marie Callendar's, and although you hated it there, the young kid that checked me out, it was his last day working he was to check into basic training for Marines int he next 2 days...I told him you would have been proud of him...
today I received a letter addressed to the widow of Ross Gregory Guy and that is the first time I have been addressed as such...it took my my breath away and made my heart actually hurt...
I miss you so so much and although I know you are in a better place and longer hurting or tired, I am being selfish and want you here with me...
I love you so much and miss you...do not know how to go on...I feel so guilty going on without you...it saddens me to appear to be having fun or going on with life without you...
RIP my dear husband
the toliet overflowed and you would have know what to do, I did not...
we went to the mall and mongolian BBQ reminded me that that was one of your favorite places to eat, even though you hated the mall...
songs, tv, everything today remended me how much I miss you...
I went to Marie Callendar's, and although you hated it there, the young kid that checked me out, it was his last day working he was to check into basic training for Marines int he next 2 days...I told him you would have been proud of him...
today I received a letter addressed to the widow of Ross Gregory Guy and that is the first time I have been addressed as such...it took my my breath away and made my heart actually hurt...
I miss you so so much and although I know you are in a better place and longer hurting or tired, I am being selfish and want you here with me...
I love you so much and miss you...do not know how to go on...I feel so guilty going on without you...it saddens me to appear to be having fun or going on with life without you...
RIP my dear husband
Friday, February 24, 2017
40 days
there are different cultures including greek and Hispanic that believe (or so people have been telling me) that once a person passes, their soul sticks around those that they love for 40 days and then on that day, the soul goes on to heaven...
today is the 40th day...can you believe it?
sometimes I still cannot believe he is gone...six weeks tomorrow and yet, I still think he will be walking in the door at any time...I am sure that it will hit at some point that he is really gone, but not yet...
a certain picture just takes my breath away and the tears immediately follow...wow...I sure wish I had known how bad it really was towards the end...I know what matters is that the 2nd to the last day I was able to say that I loved him and he said it in return but I will have regrets for the rest of my life...
the last couple of months I was more of a mother to him, trying to get him well and to do the right thing...did he need a mother or did he want a wife more? he was so stubborn but oh.my.goodness I sure hope he knew how much we loved him and needed him...
so for the 40th day and since it was also our anniversary Tim. Sam, Zoie and I let 4 red heart balloons go to the sky last night with messages for him...
when he looks down upon us now, I hope he is proud of our little family we created and sees how difficult it is without him but we are trying our very best to write the next chapter of our lives...
today is the 40th day...can you believe it?
sometimes I still cannot believe he is gone...six weeks tomorrow and yet, I still think he will be walking in the door at any time...I am sure that it will hit at some point that he is really gone, but not yet...
a certain picture just takes my breath away and the tears immediately follow...wow...I sure wish I had known how bad it really was towards the end...I know what matters is that the 2nd to the last day I was able to say that I loved him and he said it in return but I will have regrets for the rest of my life...
the last couple of months I was more of a mother to him, trying to get him well and to do the right thing...did he need a mother or did he want a wife more? he was so stubborn but oh.my.goodness I sure hope he knew how much we loved him and needed him...
so for the 40th day and since it was also our anniversary Tim. Sam, Zoie and I let 4 red heart balloons go to the sky last night with messages for him...
when he looks down upon us now, I hope he is proud of our little family we created and sees how difficult it is without him but we are trying our very best to write the next chapter of our lives...
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
43 years ago today...0h...my...goodness
it was not supposed to be like this...we had plans...we had not finished living our lives together...
our bucket list is begging to be touched right now...we had so many hopes and dreams but we let life get in the way...
life has a habit of doing that...yet, even with dialysis you were looking into trips where we could stop and get treatment
along the way...
we were supposed to be sitting on the Puget Sound in Cracker Barrel rocking chairs watching our 4 grandchildren running
along the shore throwing driftwood and stones into the water...that was our dream...Whidbey Island, we loved it there...
it was because of our love for the littles that kept us from pursuing our retirement dream...we simply could not leave
them here and be so far away from them...oh, how I wish they could have gone with us...you wanted to go so badly...how I
wish I could have given you your dream...
today it is 43 years...and I miss you terribly...my heart is broken into a million pieces and I cannot see how it will
ever come back together...I can be fine and all of a sudden will think of something, or see a picture, or find a piece
of your laundry come up in my folding and then I am huge mess...how do I go on? 43 years?
why oh why did I not listen to people when they say live for today?
we have some really great memories to eventually whtide me over, but for right now it is not enough to help me...
you never told me no (well not many times) you always made sure I had what I wanted, somehow you always made it happen...
you rescued me from my abusive childhood, and made sure I never ever replayed that situation again...you always told people that
you knew how to make me smile...give me $100 (haha)...when I wanted a kitchen aid, you got it for me, an embroidery machine?
the same...I had what I wanted because of you and yet I see that material items do not matter...it showed me that you
loved me enough to get me what I wanted, but I would trade any possession for more time...
how grateful I am for the opportunity of Disney Season Passes...what a joy they were and gave us such wonderful memories
with our children, grandchildren and our wonderful neighbors...such a pleasure to be able to go as much as we wanted to
even though you complained about the cost, you gave that to us to enjoy and we thank you so very much...the pictures, oh
my...the memories, oh my goodness...and we just started the littlest one, at least we have a couple of memories of you
and her at Disney...
the trips we were able to take...not many people get to see 99% of the United States as we did...I will never forget what
great times we had pulling the RV into each new city we came upon...sometimes planned, sometimes not...how you gave up
on going to Nashville so we could go a little further and once again go to San Antonio to see my sister, who was not
feeling good at the time...remember parking a RV in San Francisco? New Orleans? the East Coast with the Liberty Bell,
Gettysberg (after hearing about it so much from your dad?) and I always absolutely loved going to Canastota to see your
wonderful aunt with her stories that made me wish I had grown up there...she always made me feel right at home...who
else would have shown me the Statue of Liberty, the Black Hills, Mt Rushmore, the Mall of America and so on...
we had such fun in the RV
singing to hymns when we could not get a radio station...you had such a great singing voice...and of course we had to hit
each Famous Dave's restaurant that we came upon...
how we loved Camp Pendleton...you loved going and reminicing of when you were stationed there from Vietnam and you got to
revisit your helicopter squadron and that gave you such joy...how special that we could park our RV right on the beach
of the base and have Marines running by our cabin at all times...waking up to taps and going to sleep with reveille...
what a terrific time we had for Si's birthday, renting a cabin on the beach for 4 days and showing the kids around the
base...we now want to go back and remember you there...
you were such a generous man, helping anyone who needed help...playing Santa so many times to children, seniors and vets..
you gave money to homeless and even if you did it with a grumble you still did it...your love of babies was so apparent
and your love and support of vets was extraordinary, collecting many plaques for your work...I now love to hear stories
from people on how you helped them in the past...even if you did not understand the concept of RAOK...
you were always there for my sister, before her death helping her...flying out to San Antonio many times to get her squared
away at the Veteran's hospital there and buying her whatever she needed to feel comfortable...she and her son loved you for
everything you did for them...
I feel like I am in a holding pattern...still busy comforting others, and not really letting the concept of never ever seeing
you on this earth again...that part makes me extremely sad...I am busy doing paper work and that part of getting on with
life but my heart aches for you...I still think you are just away, at your moms or the hospital and still coming home where
you should be...I make a dinner and realize it is not one of your favorites and wonder what I should make for you and then
it hits me...
I do not know how to do this alone...I am clueless on how to go on without you...everything reminds me of you...I wear your
Marine Corps tee shirt to bed every night...
we had 43 years together, but it was not enough...I would give
anything in this world to have some of that time back...I would like to tell you one more time how much you meant to me, how
much I love you...I wish I had told you that every single day while you were here...
thank you so much for thinking of me in the last couple of months...you made sure I got a new phone, a new scooter, a nice
house to live in and all new appliances when we had to move...did you know what you were doing when you did it? that is
what I am choosing to believe...you were taking care of me ahead of time, knowing you would not be here much longer? We
shared so much and I left a lot of things up to you, and yet at the end you were trying to make me more independent...
thank you for loving me as you did, even with all of my baggage...words escape me right now...what am I to do without you,
I do not know if I can even do this by myself...
the kids miss you, I horribly miss you and the grandkids especially miss you...at your service, the photographer found
CJ hiding underneath a table crying...he probably is taking this the worst...but, you would be very proud of your children,
they have stepped up to the plate in a big way and are a huge help to me, all the while grieving in their own way...
please show us a sign that you are ok, we desperately need it...
I love you and miss you with my unwhole broken into a million pieces heart...what I would give to have just a little more
time with you...
our bucket list is begging to be touched right now...we had so many hopes and dreams but we let life get in the way...
life has a habit of doing that...yet, even with dialysis you were looking into trips where we could stop and get treatment
along the way...
we were supposed to be sitting on the Puget Sound in Cracker Barrel rocking chairs watching our 4 grandchildren running
along the shore throwing driftwood and stones into the water...that was our dream...Whidbey Island, we loved it there...
it was because of our love for the littles that kept us from pursuing our retirement dream...we simply could not leave
them here and be so far away from them...oh, how I wish they could have gone with us...you wanted to go so badly...how I
wish I could have given you your dream...
today it is 43 years...and I miss you terribly...my heart is broken into a million pieces and I cannot see how it will
ever come back together...I can be fine and all of a sudden will think of something, or see a picture, or find a piece
of your laundry come up in my folding and then I am huge mess...how do I go on? 43 years?
why oh why did I not listen to people when they say live for today?
we have some really great memories to eventually whtide me over, but for right now it is not enough to help me...
you never told me no (well not many times) you always made sure I had what I wanted, somehow you always made it happen...
you rescued me from my abusive childhood, and made sure I never ever replayed that situation again...you always told people that
you knew how to make me smile...give me $100 (haha)...when I wanted a kitchen aid, you got it for me, an embroidery machine?
the same...I had what I wanted because of you and yet I see that material items do not matter...it showed me that you
loved me enough to get me what I wanted, but I would trade any possession for more time...
how grateful I am for the opportunity of Disney Season Passes...what a joy they were and gave us such wonderful memories
with our children, grandchildren and our wonderful neighbors...such a pleasure to be able to go as much as we wanted to
even though you complained about the cost, you gave that to us to enjoy and we thank you so very much...the pictures, oh
my...the memories, oh my goodness...and we just started the littlest one, at least we have a couple of memories of you
and her at Disney...
the trips we were able to take...not many people get to see 99% of the United States as we did...I will never forget what
great times we had pulling the RV into each new city we came upon...sometimes planned, sometimes not...how you gave up
on going to Nashville so we could go a little further and once again go to San Antonio to see my sister, who was not
feeling good at the time...remember parking a RV in San Francisco? New Orleans? the East Coast with the Liberty Bell,
Gettysberg (after hearing about it so much from your dad?) and I always absolutely loved going to Canastota to see your
wonderful aunt with her stories that made me wish I had grown up there...she always made me feel right at home...who
else would have shown me the Statue of Liberty, the Black Hills, Mt Rushmore, the Mall of America and so on...
we had such fun in the RV
singing to hymns when we could not get a radio station...you had such a great singing voice...and of course we had to hit
each Famous Dave's restaurant that we came upon...
how we loved Camp Pendleton...you loved going and reminicing of when you were stationed there from Vietnam and you got to
revisit your helicopter squadron and that gave you such joy...how special that we could park our RV right on the beach
of the base and have Marines running by our cabin at all times...waking up to taps and going to sleep with reveille...
what a terrific time we had for Si's birthday, renting a cabin on the beach for 4 days and showing the kids around the
base...we now want to go back and remember you there...
you were such a generous man, helping anyone who needed help...playing Santa so many times to children, seniors and vets..
you gave money to homeless and even if you did it with a grumble you still did it...your love of babies was so apparent
and your love and support of vets was extraordinary, collecting many plaques for your work...I now love to hear stories
from people on how you helped them in the past...even if you did not understand the concept of RAOK...
you were always there for my sister, before her death helping her...flying out to San Antonio many times to get her squared
away at the Veteran's hospital there and buying her whatever she needed to feel comfortable...she and her son loved you for
everything you did for them...
I feel like I am in a holding pattern...still busy comforting others, and not really letting the concept of never ever seeing
you on this earth again...that part makes me extremely sad...I am busy doing paper work and that part of getting on with
life but my heart aches for you...I still think you are just away, at your moms or the hospital and still coming home where
you should be...I make a dinner and realize it is not one of your favorites and wonder what I should make for you and then
it hits me...
I do not know how to do this alone...I am clueless on how to go on without you...everything reminds me of you...I wear your
Marine Corps tee shirt to bed every night...
we had 43 years together, but it was not enough...I would give
anything in this world to have some of that time back...I would like to tell you one more time how much you meant to me, how
much I love you...I wish I had told you that every single day while you were here...
thank you so much for thinking of me in the last couple of months...you made sure I got a new phone, a new scooter, a nice
house to live in and all new appliances when we had to move...did you know what you were doing when you did it? that is
what I am choosing to believe...you were taking care of me ahead of time, knowing you would not be here much longer? We
shared so much and I left a lot of things up to you, and yet at the end you were trying to make me more independent...
thank you for loving me as you did, even with all of my baggage...words escape me right now...what am I to do without you,
I do not know if I can even do this by myself...
the kids miss you, I horribly miss you and the grandkids especially miss you...at your service, the photographer found
CJ hiding underneath a table crying...he probably is taking this the worst...but, you would be very proud of your children,
they have stepped up to the plate in a big way and are a huge help to me, all the while grieving in their own way...
please show us a sign that you are ok, we desperately need it...
I love you and miss you with my unwhole broken into a million pieces heart...what I would give to have just a little more
time with you...
nearer my God to thee
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwLl5nY5WPI
this is the hymn that was playing at the mortuary when we arrived and I play it every day...
our hearts are hurting
our hearts are hurting.
our hearts may feel as they are irreparably broken.
In some ways, it feels like emotional quicksand. The more you fight, the more you feel stuck.
Our hearts ache for a glimmer of hope.
It is up to us to keep moving. And to help each other along the way.
The Blue Lanterns in the world of comics said it best,
"in fearful day, in raging night,
with strong hearts full, our souls ignite.
when all seems lost and there is no light
look to the stars, for hope burns bright."
written by Timothy
our hearts may feel as they are irreparably broken.
In some ways, it feels like emotional quicksand. The more you fight, the more you feel stuck.
Our hearts ache for a glimmer of hope.
It is up to us to keep moving. And to help each other along the way.
The Blue Lanterns in the world of comics said it best,
"in fearful day, in raging night,
with strong hearts full, our souls ignite.
when all seems lost and there is no light
look to the stars, for hope burns bright."
written by Timothy
Monday, February 20, 2017
facebook post
my facebook post for Saturday morning still makes me cry when I see it today...
I said......
it is finished, he fought the good fight, he is with Jesus now
I meant what I said but it seems so sad to me...
and little did I know that Tim had called Debbie to come take care of me (my COPD was acting up) and he wanted to make sure I was taken care of while he stayed with his dad (he had taken me outside of the ICU to sit) and made sure all details were taken care of with the nurses...he came out one time and said that the Sheriff had called and asked if we wanted an inquist into his death since he had fallen at the hospital...we did not understand what he was talking about but I said it would not being him back, to just let it go...we could find out later what happened...
but the point of my story is to say that Debbie dropped everything and rushed to the hospital and was there totally for us in every way but she did not tell the kids where she was going and Sian called me just when I got to the outside of the ICU and wanted to know if I knew where Debbie was...I had to lie to her...but that smart little girl decided to go onto my facebook and saw what I had posted...
I am so sad that I posted before we had a chance to break the news to her...she was crushed...that will stay with me for a long time...later she apologized and said it was OK but I know it still hurt and she has been trying since her grandpa went into the hospital to be a good girl...I love my grandkids so much and so did their grandpa...this will be very hard on them...
I said......
it is finished, he fought the good fight, he is with Jesus now
I meant what I said but it seems so sad to me...
and little did I know that Tim had called Debbie to come take care of me (my COPD was acting up) and he wanted to make sure I was taken care of while he stayed with his dad (he had taken me outside of the ICU to sit) and made sure all details were taken care of with the nurses...he came out one time and said that the Sheriff had called and asked if we wanted an inquist into his death since he had fallen at the hospital...we did not understand what he was talking about but I said it would not being him back, to just let it go...we could find out later what happened...
but the point of my story is to say that Debbie dropped everything and rushed to the hospital and was there totally for us in every way but she did not tell the kids where she was going and Sian called me just when I got to the outside of the ICU and wanted to know if I knew where Debbie was...I had to lie to her...but that smart little girl decided to go onto my facebook and saw what I had posted...
I am so sad that I posted before we had a chance to break the news to her...she was crushed...that will stay with me for a long time...later she apologized and said it was OK but I know it still hurt and she has been trying since her grandpa went into the hospital to be a good girl...I love my grandkids so much and so did their grandpa...this will be very hard on them...
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